Big question about sexless marriages.

50z - interesting point about asking her whether it's okay to take a lover. We had that conversation about 8 years ago. It was okay with her then (and of course she had the same option, though I don't know whether she ever exercised it.) Don't know about now though - I haven't asked lately.

50z - anything's worth a try. But we've tried a few no-pressure naked cuddles to see if we can work up to something, but it makes no difference.

The last time I actually begged for sex was in 1998, and I made such a dick of myself I haven't done it since...

Cheers, NiceGuy. Interesting comments from some others about separation being the best thing sometimes and that kids pick up on unhappiness. It may come to that or it may not. Sex seems like a pretty minor thing to break up a relationship over. Everything else is more or less okay, we get on, we have a laugh etc. Why cry for the moon when you have the stars? Hmmm...

Wow so many interesting and intelligent comments, you guys are so supportive.. I love it !!

Thought-provoking points. NiceGuy, I see what you're saying (and love the crockpot metaphor!) - I do as much of those things as I can of course, including the kisses, helping in the house, looking after the baby and all that - always have. It's a bit difficult being nice and helpful and friendly when your balls are the size of melons, though...

Good points about separation too. We've actually spent time apart in the past - she's from Japan so she went back there for a while. It would be a massive change to do that now though - we've got a house, new kid and so on. It would need to be mutual too.

I feel that if I could have some sex once in a while (without having to pay for it - it's just not my thing) my relationship would be much better. I'd be less resentful for a start. They say sex is like air - it's only important when you're not getting any.

Will you marry me ;)

Foreplay starts in the kitchen they say... at the kitchen sink, with your hands in soapy water. ;)

I don't mean to be flippant. I was in a sexless marriage for a long time too, he was interested, I was not. I don't know if the situation is the same for your wife or not, but looking back on the relationship, it all became about work, and kids, and money, and bills and cleaning the house, washing the clothes, doing the dishes...except I was the one doing all of the work while he buried himself in his job, or the newspaper, the TAB or a second job. At first I was just too dog tired to get in the mood and with no help from my husband, I just felt like the hired help (but the pay sucked!)

I wasn't interested at that point and there was no way he'd ever get my interest back once I knew he'd been sexually intimate with someone else.

I know this situation must be incredibly hard for you, but if you love your wife and don't want to divorce her, then don't have an affair. It will only make everything then times more complicated.

I will give you the best piece of advice my mum ever gave me. If you're staying in a relationship for any other reason than you're happy and satisfied (kids, loyalty, fidelity, money) you're staying for the wrong reason.

if none of the above gets a discussion towards a solution happening, (and thatd be shame)
buy her a sex toy?

seriously, 38 & giving up on sex?? tooo sad.

Let her read the replies to your blog. There are some wonderful and insightful thoughts above.

A bold and perhaps inappropriate way to instigate a discussion but you cant make an omelet without breaking an egg.

And if nothing changes, nothing will change.

I know things aren't always easy to talk about. But things being left unsaid can grow to deep resentment.
If you have children, that's very loyal of you to stay. But children also know when two adults together aren't happy and that in itself isn't good for the children either.
If you are not happy with the situation and she isn't coming to the party (going to counseling etc) Have you discussed maybe separating or something to that effect?
An affair may seem the answer, but they can cause more harm than good. Maybe getting this all out to her may be the best way forward, no matter how she looks when you're bringing it up again....its obviously unresolved and needs to be dealt with properly.

Yes Nouvelle, openness is the key. Sometimes it's not that easy to talk about things like this though...she tends to get a 'what, this again?' look on her face. People have suggested I just divorce her, but I don't want to do that, and besides we have a kid (IVF).

There are definitely other women with the same problem - I've met several on this site already. Their stories are similar to mine.

BTW, Nouvelle, that photo next to your blog is fantastic!

I think people stop having sex with each other or it gets less and less due to many factors. I believe its because people aren't brave enough to share with one another what its all about, that causes the problem....the big one in the end. Maybe if we all got a bit more honest about it all. I'm no angel....but just trying to help you in your situation

Geez, this is an interesting blog. Thanks Ian for starting it.

Good that you've talked about it. Hmm, I don't think many that are married stop having sex with one another for no reason and she's hardly ancient. Its a shame that she won't go to counseling with you.
Decisions have to be made and openness is the way to go. Just tell her how you feel and make some suggestions to her. If shes fine not having it, but you're not...well you just have to decide whats best for you...both of you

Wow, lots of interesting comments. I've definitely communicated with her about this, she knows exactly how I feel. I've even suggested we go see a counselor to try and solve the problem, but she's not keen on that. She's just said to me straight up - 'I just have no desire. It's dead. In my 20s I was horny but now it's gone.' And she said that she thinks this is quite normal among couples older than their 30s. (She's 38.) I've suggested we just take it easy, go to bed and have a naked cuddle, with no pressure for anything else. But that dried up pretty quickly as well.

I do love her - the problem isn't the marriage part but the sexless part. But that part ain't gonna get no better, and I'm not a monk!

Thanks for the TV show link - I'll check that out.

Yup, first step talk it out. Then go from there, the length of time will be a tricky factor. Don't go behind her back no matter what or else you will do massive damage to the trust in your relationship.

Communicating with your wife is the way to go...no matter how difficult it may seem. The possibilities of how difficult it may get after having an affair are endless. Is this what you are after? Being found out by her?...this is sometimes what humans do.....we do the wrong thing rather than be open about it. It might seem like the best option (having an affair)...but its probably not

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0809497/

I doubt it. It was on HBO in the US. There was only one season.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tel you're unethical enough to do file sharing, it can be downloaded that way.

You might enjoy a really good TV drama called "Tell me you love me". Two of the main characters are in a sexless marriage and it's interesting how they wrestle with it. Indeed, the whole series is good.